my name is sad
and i've been trying all my life to understand dat name means nothing but name
but still i didnt like it.
as i grew, cant take it anymore, decided to change it to fine.
i am fine, with my last name, weak.
above all of that, my nickname is lonely, still.
now i can only take me as i am.
still be grateful
and i have my good friends that's very faithful
they're happy, warm, and colorful
often visits me
and i love them for them
Mengapa dunia tak bersuara dan berbicara kepadaku mengenai keriuhan yang kurindukan Mengapa sekitarku tertawa dan menangis tanpa kudengar gelak dan isaknya Mengapa tak ada cinta yang berbicara mengenai keindahan dan harapannya Mengapa harapan yang kudapatkan melangkah jauh melampaui akalku Mengapa manusia tidak layak tertawa seorang diri menyikapi getir masam hidup Mengapa manusia tidak bijaksana menghadapi saat kelam kehidupannya Mengapa sedikit harapan mengakibatkan begitu banyak kegetiran Kebahagiaan itu pilihan, dan aku memilihnya Cuma ada kekecewaan untuk asaku
*tulisaninihanyarekaansifatnya,tidakbermaksudsamasekaliuntuktidakbersyukur*
ga bersisa _@ the end
kepompong itu ga sempat bermetamorfosis menjadi kupu
mungkin tepatnya, layang-layang tak sempat rasakan sejuknya angin sore
belum pula selesai apa yang seharusnya terlukis di atasnya,
tidak ada benang gelasan
pun anak laki-laki kecil yang tertawa senang memainkannya
tergeletak saja,
--tak bertuan
kamu menjadi sesuatu yang cukup serius untuk ditangisi..
romantisme semu yang ga pernah benar-benar ada
*gawat
-end
terpaksa ku tampar, ingin kau berpijak pada hanya yang nyata saja
maaf, apakah terlalu keras jatuhnya pada pipi dan hatimu
mengapa kau menangis, mengapa tatapanmu lara
..
tidak apa-apa, im okay..
terima kasih, tamparan yang indah
air mata dan lara adalah simpul yang terikat kuat
sepasang yang saling setia
soon, akan menjadi senyuman
..
harapnya selalu
-end
memeluk kesedihan orang lain untuk meredam kesedihan yang berteriak-teriak
membangkitkan kedukaan lebih dalam dengan sedikit harapan akan menjadi senyuman, ntah diujung bibirku, bibirmu, atau bibir-bibir lain yang menggigit pedih
-end
sums dat start aint rite will never be rite as finished line
further, sums never knew if there is finished line somewhere out there
coz in fact d start's just a fake away
mindtrick created for just a pick of happiness
whats easily in would never be in vise versa
those rare moments means something (read: owner of something is me)
-end
partsatu
sepi senyap ruang hati. luka lama, luka baru, goresan-goresan yang meninggalkan bekas. carut marut.
partdua
apa suara-suara itu mendekat, atau hanya gema dari luar sana. terlalu banyak rongga hingga ku dengar semua percakapan tentang hidup, tentang cinta, dan pengharapan.
dari potongan-potongan yang tersatukan itu, membentuk sesuatu yang abstrak berwujud kehilangan.....
parttiga
sebaiknya tidak membawa sesuatu yang berharga ketika bepergian ke tempat-tempat rawan atau berbahaya (katanya orang-orang -just in case..)
kataku, jangan bawa hatimu masuk ke tempat terlarang. terpasung di sana, kau kan tertatih keluar, menahan kucuran darah dengan tanganmu yang tidak terlalu besar. ini daerah terpencil, rumah sakit terdekat ada di desa sebelah, ratusan kilometer dari sini. butuh ratusan hari perjalanan dengan kondisi lemahmu. sementara kuperban dengan sedikit kain tersisa ini. paling tidak masih cukup waktumu bersyukur untuk hidup yang entah masih berapa lama lagi. tapi, tunggu! jantungmu masih berdetak teratur, sesekali kehilangan ritme saat nyeri menyeruak. kau akan hidup. tanpa hatimu, sementara. ruang-ruang kosong itu akan bergema tersentuh suara-suara indah tak berupa. pada hari yang ditentukan rupa itu akan berdiri di depanmu, meminjamkan hatinya agar separuhnya dapat kau gunakan. tanpa syarat, sampai akhirmu...
_just last nite
read my mind
could u count how many u i wrote on it?
i ever read some of yours, there was s'thing abt me
i need to read more, how it ends...
its uneasy having some spare time before fell asleep
had to turn on d tv so dat i wont think alot abt things..
its uneasy, d days after dat ..you know..
things never b d same anymore
i think hearts r broken to pieces,
though not much tears been cried
its a sad in monologue
a blur belief of happiness instead of pain awaits
hadnt i already had it..
2.04..20061031
today, we decided to end up the love. even though in my mind i still believe dat love not always suppose to be a let go thing but more to struggling. the love shared was sweet. i can say now dat he's one of greatest blessing He ever gave me. i told him so yet :) for short six years being together (compare to lifetime), ever i had felt so afraid of letting go. years ago, dunno exactly, bought a healing book, 50 Ways to Let Go and be Happy of Chuck Spezanno. spelled in indonesian, Agar Bahagia, Lepaskanlah! havent read it yet, actually, but i thought i found my own way as i grow up. I'll read it in a single next spare time :p
now, tears is less while acceptance is raise, and believing of He'll take care d rest, im following d path. starts with faith dat life will be fine, depend on how we reacted to it *ya ga doo..*
less tears hopefully minimize d pain. *pray He'll take away our pain, ta*
thank you so much for thinking of me til last,ta. wonderful big hearted of yours.
i'll be brave. im ready of nu life ahead. just gimme some time, i'll be back with smile.
love remains as it should be, to make us rich.
hoping one day people not put squares life of religion, ras, and anything dat may differs us from others but attitude..
*dedicated to man i ever love (we'll be okay)
October 29, 2006, 2:38:04 PM
thing gets bothering me lately
i just knew that there is a possibility of having unmatch, unclicked person of which you might called it friend.
for real, not only in loveship. the opposite of soulmate, born not to be..
born not to be friends :-? oh, come on..
people created totally different from other, special-unique creature. common similarities are highly likely the default
values of the humanity side, for not being alone. understandable language and gestures, right-brain (dominant for women),
left-brain (dominant for men) -as is men nor women using both- build communication and relation.
since they blend and keep good understanding, they always can communicate.
a friendship has lighter rules than loveship. if we can communicate well, we're friends. its just d beginning.
every relationship needs to be maintained, simply by being who u really are. do not pretend a thing.
i am what i am, so so person, and thank God i have no some very annoying behaviour dat makes people uncomfort.
not always be a nice one, bcoz dat would be so bored life i live ;p
love to have thousands friends around d world. i am wealthy since i have them *lup ya guys*
do not like being alone, it tortures..
and a bang !@##$@ benang-kusut friendship.. what is it in english yaa..
suddenly i am unwanted. im some kind of boring. im talking abt same topics everyday.
and i still not have a belief it describe me.
i do no treat this different or rude or badly. i am just being me which im showing people everyday, no fake.
started thinking is it really something i have to fix in me..
and while i am trying to fix d benang-kusut --dont tell me im not..-- then it'd just be more kusut.
to keep it called 'ship'.. for no other mistakes..
i am not me. not talking much, thinking alot before talk for not making some other bored things.
and its tiring. unrealized, im being too careful to let them saw me as real me.
start to converse n stuck. thing changes. time ran out. cant go back, seems to me.
then i finish it with consideration, it's just not born to be. kind dat simple reason.
its rare, but its possibly true.
there are some levels on friendship. its just have one chapter and done.
sad but accept it. dont have to mengurai benang kusut (in english plz :p), its all abt not trying to take it to the next
chapter.no more benang kusut, but no chance to explore dis one, dis friendship (dat i ever believed would be cool...)
left a little why in me. guess i never know
(uncounted fun and laughter)
hmm.. miss talking to you sometime..
20061017nite
Deket pintu keluar kampus syahdan (binus, red), ada tempat makan yang ampir tiap malam gue ma fira datengin (baca : rm favorit kekeke). si tante piara macem-macem ikan di aquariumnya. tu aquarium bagaikan bulan dan bintang (baca : langit dan bumi) dengan abandoned aquarium di rumah lama kita.. bersih, aernya beeennnniiiiiinnnnnggggg banged. Keliatan dari ikan-ikannya yang bahagia dan berseri-seri (kekekekeke). --maaf ya bendera (baca : kokiku semata wayang yg baru sehari ditinggalin di rumah lama tau-tau da mengambang tak berdaya, hiks).. jadi flash back *halahhh..
back to topic yaa. ada satu keanehan siy yg aq temuin di sana, sbenernya ngehnya juga da lama, tp b sempet nulis skrg.. di komunitas itu, ada ikan kecil2 yang aq ga tau namanya (gapi kali yaaa, kekeke),bbrp sapu2, agak banyak ikan layang-layang, sampe si single koki. yang mo dibicarain di sini tu, si layang-layang (s) ama si single koki. beda dari koki kebanyakan (yg suka diving ke dasar aquarium) niy koki lebih sering berada di permukaan -- mgkn faktor napas pendeknya kekeke. *too much metafora yang hiperbola yaaa (bodo amat :p) ngga cuma sampe situ aj, masi ada sisi ikanwi nya yang rakus seperti koki-koki lainnya. hmm, atau lebih rakus, kayak koi-koi cantik itu loh.. ini siy bukan fenomena blended ato adapted ato copyfish, soalnya ga ada koi di sana.. mgkn itu emang sifat dasarnya aja..yawdaah, itu bukan bagian yang penting dari cerita ini. *masuk ke klimaks ne,eng ing eng..
inget kan, si single koki suka berada di permukaan.. nah ini awalnya. bukan cuma sekedar berenang bolak-balik selayaknya koki biasa, si single malahan bergaya mati suri dengan posisi agak diagonal, persis banged ama layang-layang (s) yang lain. busett dah. kalo dia ga bulet gendut n kuning, punya sirip kayak busur, dan kalo aj aq ga pernah liat wujud asli koki siy, pasti aq pikir dia tu tetep ikan layang-layang yg dilahirkan dengan kelainan genetis huahahahaha...
si single ini lagi nge-blend ma lingkungannya, ato sekedar beradaptasi aj, ato dia sekedar copyfish aja. rahasia ini cuma si single koki dan Tuhan yang tauuu (kok, jadi kayak bajaj yaa). keren juga loh penempatan posisinya bareng ikan2 lain. kayaknya emang pantes dia ada di sana. kayak emang uda seharusnya di sana komunitasnya. hmm... sempet ku foto juga siy. tp mungkin ga jelas d, pake hp soalnyaa..
tapi, apapun alasan yg ada di pikiran si single koki, lucu juga siy.. ga perlu ditelaah dan dipahami lebih jauh, dia ga peduli pendapat spesies lain (termasuk kita manusia). lagian, mo ditanyain juga ga mungkin kan. dan sebenernya amat sangat ngga penting ceritanya keekekkeke. *yang da sempetin baca ga boleh marah :)) just an interesting single koki kok..
*dicatat di sini sesuai kisah nyata, semua tempat dan creatures yang disebut di atas, bukan khayalan apalagi mimpi..
**phiuufff... perasaan jadi lebih enak sekarang. thanks to single koki ;)
Have you ever been ? Why it seems to be more love and be loved in between ?
Feel weak when you feel (have to be) strong and going get a new life ?
More ready for goodbye and sadder ? Some kind feeling of betrayer when decided to be not together anymore ?
Will it be better after be separated ? Or worst ? * The optimist said, must be better *
Leaving your comfort zone, be prepared then..
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